College Daze
by Cenire
Summary: We've all heard of girls being transported to Middleearth. What happens when the Fellowship lands in the middle of OUR Earth? Your guess is as good as mine. As complete at it will ever be.
1. Concussions and Other Fun Things

Lex was having a bad day. She was going to fail painting and quite possibly ceramics as well. The house was a complete and utter mess, Jeff was doing his workaholic disappearing act and she had two term papers due in a week.

"Fuck," she mused to no one in particular.

She took a long drag off her cigarette and surveyed the vista laid out before her. The seven mountains undulated around her, unspoiled (mostly) by human intervention. Good thing, too. Her current mood was black enough to wither the will of anything that dared venture near enough. Yes, the fire observation tower on top of Broad Mountain was probably the best place for her to fume and not upset karma too badly.

Lex finished watching the sunset over the distant foothills and shivered as the wind picked up. With one last drag on her cigarette, she crushed the cherry and shoved the butt in her pocket. She was big on respecting the land. 

The journey down the fire tower was easier but no less nerve-wracking. The wooden steps were steep and some risers were rotten. Only half of the flights had handrails. Still, this was Lex's favorite place to come, one where she was least likely to be disturbed.

Following the trail back to the car was also easy. It doubled as an access road (rarely used since DCNR didn't officially use the tower anymore) and was well maintained. About half a mile down the road-trail she came to the locked access gate and ducked under it.

The compact Toyota basked in the fading pick rays of the sun, waiting patiently for her return. Lex had to admit, the little car navigated the steep, unpaved switchbacks well for the econo-car that it was. She unlocked the car (why did she bother locking it anyway – there probably wasn't anyone out here for miles anyway) and slid into the drivers' seat. She was trying to adjust the rearview mirror when things suddenly got strange.

Two strong arms shot out from behind the drivers' seat. One covered Lex's mouth, the other came up under her arm and put a very dangerous-looking knife to her throat. Lex squeaked in fear and surprise. The arms pulled her more tightly against the back of her seat and the knife pressed harder into her throat.

"One scream and I will kill you. Do … you … under … stand?" a male voice asked very slowly.

"Mmm-hmmmph," Lex whimpered.

"Good. Now, where did the Orcs go?"

"Mmph?" Lex inquired.

"The Orcs!" The arm across her chest was very near to crushing her ribs. Lex tried to say something, but she couldn't get it out around the grubby hand over her mouth. The man behind her grunted in frustration. "If I move my hand, do you promise not to scream?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Lex tried to nod her head but the knife was a bit too close for comfort.

As the hand covering her mouth withdrew, Lex saw her chance. She chomped down hard on the soft webbing between the thumb and forefinger of the dirty right hand. There was a yelp of surprise behind her, but Lex didn't stick around to see what words her would-be captor was going to direct towards her. She flung open her door and headed for the cover of the woods.

Lex hadn't gone more than ten feet off the road before an arrow thudded into a nearby tree. Had she been thinking clearly, she probably would have panicked. But Lex had led a sheltered life and as such didn't expect more than one random attempt on her life per day. Instead, she ran towards the source of the arrow. She could hear frantic voices in front of her. 

_Hunters!_ She thought. _No, poachers this time of year. Still! I bet they've got knives and guns and a cell phone! Yeah a cell phone! I can call for help and get that bastard our of the car and_—

Her run-on thoughts were cut short by a sharp blow to the back of her head. 

Small gnomes danced in lead shoes inside her skull. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and then experimentally opened one eye. Bright neon flashes of color exploded before it and Lex squeezed it shut again. Cautiously she tried the other eye. Same result. 

Deciding to keep her eyes shut for the moment, Lex used her other senses to take stock. Aside from the huge goose egg on her head, nothing else seemed to be physically wrong. She was flat on her back, lots of little sharp things digging into her flesh. Gravel? Yes! The road was gravel. Someone had moved her while she was out, then. Gas, she smelled gas. Had to be the car. Ok, she was near the car. And she heard … voices. She concentrated, trying to separate them from the clanging in her head.

"You could have killed her! Why did you have to hit her so hard?" A high voice. A child?

"_Because_ she was coming right for us and if I had not gotten the drop on her she could have rampaged right through us." Gruff. Someone who over pronounced his 'r's.

"_I_ had her in my sights! If you would have waited but a minute I could have had her clean through!" Musical. Interesting.

"She did not attempt to harm us. She does not deserve to be killed." A wise voice. Old.

"She and that metal beast appeared as we trailed the orcs! She must be in league with them, or at least have seen where they traveled." Another voice … dark in timbre but powerful. How many killers were after her?

"And so you threaten her life and then concuss her within an inch of it." The wise voice again. Perhaps there was hope for her to make it home alive yet. There was only one way to find out. 

Lex moaned.

She heard some hurried whispers and the shuffle of feet.

"I told you I had not killed her!" The gruff voice again.

"Shh!"

Lex could feel a circle of people surround her. Experimentally she opened her eyes to try to take in the faces of her attackers. Four children, a midget, a man in a pointy hat, a hot guy with pointy ears, and the owner of the dirty hand. She blinked and looked again, but the scene had not changed. The circle of people regarded their quarry silently until pointy-hat spoke. 

"Awfully sorry about that – I think we got a bit overexcited."

Lex fainted.

Aragorn had given her a poultice of herbs to hold against the knot on her head while Sam had cautiously given her some water from a water skin. She drank it gratefully and reached for her cigarettes. Lex shook one from the pack and began to dig for her lighter. She fished it from her pocket and gave it a flick. The flame sprung to life and she heard Pippin gasp and mutter something about having attacked a wizard. At least, she thought it was Pippin. It was bugger-all dark on the top of the mountain.

Lex only smiled and took a deep drag. She exhaled, and surveyed the Fellowship as best she could in the gloom. Even in her dreams, she couldn't have managed a motlier crew. Still, they had triumphed in the end, yes? So … what were they doing here in bumble-fuck?

"Let's go over this again," she opined from her perch on the hood of the Toyota. "You were attacked by orcs, right?"

"Aye, a great band of them too! Not too much for me of course, but I was fearful for my companions you see." Lex hissed, cutting Gimli off.

"All right, so you finally got the orcs on the run and decided to chase them, yes?"

"The few stragglers were no match for us," said Legolas who, despite Lex's insistence that there were no orcs here insisted on pacing the perimeter of the group restlessly.

"Obviously," Lex said with not a little sarcasm while looking at the Hobbits. Fortunately, those that weren't busy eating couldn't see her for the dark. She had gladly handed over her bag of Hershey's Minis just to shut them up and keep them from wandering off. Watching Merry eat the first one without taking the wrapper off had been payment enough.

"So," she continued, "you came crashing through the underbrush—"

"Elves do not _crash_!" Legolas interjected indignantly.

"Pardon," Lex took another drag. "You came sneaking quietly through the underbrush at top speed and somehow stumbled upon my car. So, you" she glared at Aragorn who she suspected could see her despite the dark, "decided to pick the lock and ambush me so I could tell you where the Orcs went."

Aragorn nodded, emotionless.

"I escape from Aragorn – who I might add could stand a bath--" Merry giggled and was promptly elbowed by Frodo, "and seek solace in the woods where _you_," she turned her irritated gaze to Legolas, "decide that instead of getting information from me and before even knowing if I am friend of foe you're just going to put an arrow through my chest."

"I was aiming for your throat," Legolas said coolly. Lex was unamused. She wondered how many fangirls would find Legolas' attitude as attractive as his sexy, sexy, lithe body…

Gandalf cleared his throat and Lex jumped. 

"But before you could get a shot off," Lex continued, "Gimli, who somehow ended up in a tree, klongs me on the head with the haft of his axe. At which point Aragorn shows up and suggests that you drag me back to the steel beast and try to figure out what it does in case it's of some use against orcs, am I correct?"

"Indeed," said Boromir who had been silent. _Well,_ mused Lex, _I guess you don't get many lines when you're only a supporting actor. Especially when you're cast with such a well cut specimen of manhood like Aragorn… _ Lex jumped as her cigarette burned her fingers and dropped the butt.

"Well," she coughed and rubbed her singed fingers. "So you have no idea how you got from Middle-earth to Earth?"

Silence.

"Any idea how you're going to get back?"

Crickets chirped in the distance.

"Goddess help me," Lex sighed.


	2. Wizard in the Front Seat, Hobbits in the...

_A/N: Another chapter. Because I can. And because they're painfully easy to write. Reviews always appreciated, of course._

_Standard disclaimer: Tolkien owns the Fellowship. I'm just borrowing them. I own Lex. My boyfriend owns the car, and the grand state of __Pennsylvania__ owns __Rothrock__State__Forest__. No money is being made from this endeavor. Sue me if you want, all you'll get is a half-full bottle of rum._

Lex was tempted to leave them all on the mountain. It would be easy. Just jump in the car, lock the doors and floor it. They'd be fine in the forest. They'd do just fine.

_But what if they meet up with someone and do something rash? What if – Goddess forbid – they find civilization? Then what?_

Lex chewed her lip.

She looked at her watch.

The Fellowship milled around as if they knew somehow that these woods were not their woods. The Hobbits were talking in hushed voices – something about raiding the car for more food. Legolas was pacing endlessly, staring into the shadows of the trees. Aragorn, Gimli and Gandalf were apparently having a smoke break. Boromir just stood there looking … well, Boromir-ish.

"We can't stay out here all night," Lex said to no one in particular.

"Where would you have us go?" Boromir asked.

_Back where you came from_, she thought. _Except for the elf and the ranger. They can stay_. Instead, she said, "I guess you'll have to come with me."

There were loud shouts of protest from the Hobbits. They had to get back to Middle-earth -- they were on a Quest! The rest of the Fellowship remained silent.

"If you know how to get back, go right ahead," Lex said coolly. Silence followed. "All right. I don't know how you got here. And I don't know how to get you back. I have to do some research, but there must be a way. In the meantime, I can't let you ramble all over Rothrock. You might get shot by a hunter or …" Legolas sprang forward to protest but Aragorn shushed him. "… you could wander into civilization – _my _civilization," she amended. "I can't allow that."

"We must discuss this I think," Aragorn said after a moment. There were murmurs of ascent as the Fellowship formed a huddle.

Lex nodded. _Let them discuss as much as they bloody well want to. I won't leave them out here_, she thought angrily.

It was Gandalf who finally broke away from the group. "We do not wish to go."

Lex jumped off her seat on the hood of the car and started forward, angry words rising to her lips. Gandalf held up a hand to silence her.

"However. We can see no other recourse. We all feel as though we are a long way from Middle-earth. If things here are as strange as you have lead us to believe, we would not… do well in your civilization."

Lex nodded and turned to open the car door.

"One condition," said Gandalf.

"What?" Lex asked cautiously.

"You must get us back to Middle-earth. I do not know how time is in this world, but it is possible that Sauron could take over in the time we are here. I cannot let that happen."

"Of course." _Shit! _Lex thought. _He wants that ring._ She glanced at Frodo who was gnawing a piece of _lembas_. _Could he maybe … possibly … No, there's no way Sauron could figure out a way here. _

Unconvinced but feeling the need to get home, Lex turned to tackle her next problem. How does one fit a Fellowship of nine plus a driver into a compact car?

"All right…" she sighed. The Hobbits were going to hate her. Maybe she could buy their good graces back with the Earth delicacy known as pizza. 

Lex popped the trunk.

"I think I prefer horses," Gimli grumbled.

Lex didn't reply. She was concentrating on the narrow, winding gravel road in front of her. The Toyota was riding considerably lower, especially with four hobbits in the trunk. She winced as a rock protruding from the road scraped the undercarriage.

"Shit!" Lex tried to swerve, but only succeeded in hitting the pothole dead on. There was a collective (but muffled) cry of pain from the trunk and some grumbling from Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn who were crammed in the back seat. Gimli tried to maintain a look of dignity, but it was hard to do perched on Gandalf's lap. Gandalf, for his part, seemed quite taken with the speed at which the surroundings were passing.

"Tell me, Lady Lex," he began.

"Just Lex, please."

"Yes. Tell me Lex, what do you call this machine?"

"A car. Or an automobile." 

Gandalf still looked puzzled. Lex thought harder.

"Horseless carriage," Lex said finally.

A light of recognition lit in Gandalf's eyes. "Ah, splendid! Tell me, does it work by magic?"

"No," said Lex, fighting back a smile. "Explosions."

"My my!" Gandalf had no reply. The rest of the passengers sat in sullen silence. Even the hobbits had stopped thumping on the back seat. Probably because Boromir threatened to start reading Bombadil poetry if they didn't stop jostling him.

The two voices Lex most wanted to hear were, in fact, silent. Aragorn and Legolas sat on either side of the Boromir-sandwich, each apparently lost in his own world. Lex stared distractedly in the rearview until she heard Gandalf speak.

"Lex?"

"Mm?" Lex replied, not taking her eyes off the two men in the back seat.

"Should we not be on the road?"

"Dammit!" Lex jerked the wheel hard, barely avoiding running the car off the road and down a sheer drop off. She heard curses all around as her passengers were thrown into one another. "Sorry!" she called out. _Must … keep ... mind ... on … road._ "How about some tunes?" With a flick of her wrist she turned on the radio; the speakers blared to life spewing out Linkin Park. 

Gimli probably would have put a fist through the console had Gandalf not restrained him quickly.

"What ill magic is this?" She could practically hear Legolas frown.

"It's a radio. And it's not magic. It's … electromagnetics. Or something. It's perfectly harmless. I told you – your type of magic doesn't exist in my world." She shot a look at Gandalf. "Don't even test it. You could rip my world to pieces."

"Gracious Lex, I never act without first thinking on the consequences. I would never attempt to perform Middle-earth magic here without a full understanding of the consequences."

"I know Gandalf. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit … tense."

"_You?_" growled Gimli, still glaring at the dashboard.

Lex had developed a serious case of the shakes by the time she got home. Gimli had tried to murder the radio no less than four times. Boromir had to restrain Legolas from leaning too far out the window while they were traveling the highway. The elf had become enamored of the grace and fluidity of travel by car and had wanted to "feel the wind in his hair." Lex had been the one to make the mistake of pointing out how to roll down the window. Legolas would have lost his head to a passing semi had not Boromir grabbed his belt and yanked him back inside. 

Lex had threatened to throw Legolas in the trunk with the hobbits if he didn't behave. Consequently, Legolas sat quite still and only trailed his fingers out the window. The thought of Hobbits _and _an enclosed dark space was enough of a threat for him. And Lex? Lex had never felt more like a mother. 

"All right," began Lex. She paced in front of the Fellowship members who sat assembled in her living room. "There are some rules to living here. First, do _not_, under any circumstances, light a campfire inside. In fact, don't light one in the back yard, either. Don't light one at all. Second, any mess you make, _you_ will be cleaning up. I am not your personal maid service. Third," and at this she glared at the hobbits, "do _not_ eat any food you have not bought yourself or asked permission to eat. Fourth, don't mention to _anyone_ where you are actually from. Any questions?" No one spoke. _Well,_ thought Lex,_ that went rather well._ Then Merry sat on the remote control.

Lex was nearly trampled and skewered all at once by the rush of people reacting to the TV.

"No! No no _NO_!" she yelled, waving her arms frantically. With the help of Gandalf, she managed to get everyone back in their seats.

"It is just as Galadriel's mirror! Is this what may be for us?" Legolas asked.

"Ye Gods I hope not!" Boromir cried.

Lex spun around. Her eyes grew wide and she jabbed the power button on the TV furiously. Merry and Pippin immediately began trying to figure out how to turn it back on via the remote while Frodo tried to pry Sam's hands off his eyes.

"Let me _see_ Sam," Frodo said in aggravation.

"Well, it's safe now Mr. Frodo," said Sam, glaring at Lex.

Lex coughed and hit the eject button on the VCR. As the tape slid into her hand, she checked the title. "Amish Girls Defrocked," it read. She kicked herself for not checking the VCR after she had gotten it back from Bryan. Well, time for that later.

In the meantime, she'd better make amends for the God-awful ride home.

"Who wants to try some pizza?"


	3. We're Not As Think As You Drunk We Are!

A/N: Chapter3 for yaÕll. Thanks to my wondrous reviewers for their encouragement! 

Standard disclaimer: I own Lex. The fellowship belongs to Tolkien. The liquor belongs to my housemates, and the house belongs to my landlord. I am making no money off of this endeavor. Sue me and all you get is the ZIP disk IÕm saving this to. Sorry, I drank the rum. ;)

Addendum Ð fixed some typos and small issues with this chapter. Thanks to Miss Cam for pointing them out! *waves*

Lex felt like sheÕd been run over by a truck. Or trampled by a Fellowship of nine. This wasnÕt far from the truth. After dinner (the pizza, as sheÕd promised, was well received by all) had come the problem of where to put nine extra people in an already cramped apartment. Gimli, Aragorn and Boromir seemed quite content to camp out on the floor of the living room, deferring to Gandalf when he requested to sleep on the couch. Legolas was adamant on sleeping in the back yard under the stars at first, but once Lex related to him the horrors perpetrated by drunken fraternity boys, he decided he would make due with sleeping on the enclosed porch. The Hobbits, on the other hand, were quite content to all pile on to the futon in LexÕs room, while Lex herself would sleep in the loft bed up top.

Before bed, Lex had demonstrated the wonders of the shower. Surprisingly, everyone (even Aragorn!) formed a queue outside the bathroom and waited eagerly to try the Òindoor waterfallÓ as Sam had called it.

The only remaining problem was what to tell her four roommates. They had taken on couch crashers before, but only with limited success and never for long periods of time. Lex supposed the best way to break the news was simply to show them. So, after the Fellowship was showered and changed, Lex sat them in the living room and waited for her roommates to come back from the bar.

Alcohol is wondrous drug.

Jeff, Sam, Samantha and Rob, far from being phased by finding two humans, four hobbits, an elf, a dwarf and an Istar in their living room, were quite excited by the prospect. The first thing they did, of course, was offer drinks all around. The offer was eagerly accepted by all, but most especially by Lex. 

Rob raided the liquor cabinet in the kitchen while Sam and Jeff headed out to the bottle shop. Samantha just watched, thinking that while this was strange, it beat having jilted, psychotic-acting gay boys puking all over the rug. Lex was just enjoying the warm, relaxing feeling she got after a few shots of rum. She was even beginning to unwind when Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli began to get rowdy.

ÒThat is as may be, but we dwarves drink from the time we are but babes! No man Ð and certainly no _elf_ could ever out drink a dwarf!Ó GimliÕs nose and cheeks were already beginning to redden.

ÒHa! You call that water you dwarves drink _alcohol_? Elven wine is far superior in both taste and alcohol content!Ó _Mmm, drunken elf boi,_ Lex thought.

Boromir and Aragorn whispered back and forth between themselves for a moment before Aragorn spoke.

ÒLet us have a contest! Lex shall decide the type and amount of liquor we drink. He who is most sober shall be declared winner.Ó

ÒAnd whoÕs going to decide that?Ó asked Merry, who didnÕt need a judge to tell him he was already quite intoxicated.

ÒLex, of course!Ó spoke Boromir. The four competitors looked at Lex.

ÒAll right, all right,Ó she muttered. IÕll choose the drinks and make sure everyone drinks equally. If you have to puke use the toilet, please.Ó The Fellowship blinked. Lex sighed. ÒThe porcelain chair in the waterfall room. Put the lid up first. If you puke, youÕre eliminated. Last one standing wins. Fair?Ó

ÒFair!Ó chorused four voices.

ÒRight, beer first!Ó said Lex. She disappeared into the kitchen for a moment and then returned carrying four bottles of Miller. She popped the caps and handed them around.

ÒFeh, I have tasted water stronger than this!Ó said Gimli.

Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir didnÕt say anything, but it was obvious they didnÕt think much better of it.

Just about then, Sam and Jeff returned from their beer run. They came bearing Guinness and Woodchuck. Lex helped herself to a hard cider while the hobbits cheered the four competitors while they each tried to down their drink the fastest. Aragorn came in first, followed by Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas. Poor elf looked a little green around the gills. Lex didnÕt blame him. A lifetime of good elven wine canÕt possibly prepare anyone for American beer.

ÒNext!Ó she barked and ducked into the kitchen again. This time she came out with four glasses of red wine. The four men sniffed their glasses experimentally. Legolas was the first to try a sip. His face puckered as if heÕd just bitten into a very sour grape. Which, in a manner of speaking, he had. _So cute,_ thought Lex, and giggled internally.

ÒLady Lex,Ó began Legolas, trying to suppress a cough. Her roommates giggled at the thought of Lex being ÒLady.Ó

ÒLady Lex,Ó Legolas tried again, Òsomeday I shall have to introduce you to elven wine. Even our worst years are far better!Ó

ÒOh sure,Ó piped up Pippin, Òinsult the lass that gives you free drinks!Ó The hobbits laughed. Even Gandalf smiled. Legolas blushed just a little.

ÒAll right, all right. Finish your drinks, you whiners. Just for that, IÕm going to make you sorry.Ó

They had Guinness; they had Irish Car Bombs, whiskey, rum and vodka. Then, Lex brought out the coup de grace. 

ÒEverclear,Ó she said with an evil grin. ÒPure alcohol. The rest of the contest will be carried out with this,Ó she said, and set the bottle on the floor along with four shot glasses. With slightly double vision, she eyed up the men.

Boromir looked like he was one beer over the line, and Legolas had been three sheets to the wind for some time. Only Gimli and Aragorn could still form complete sentences, though all could slur their names when asked, which to Lex counted as being conscious. The Hobbits had passed out some time ago, so Jeff and Rob generously volunteered to put them to bed. Sam and Samantha had disappeared some time ago. The only people left in the living room were the four combatants, a very inebriated Lex and Gandalf who had stopped after learning about the phenomenon known as tequila. Lex couldnÕt blame him.

She poured four shots very carefully, chewing on her tongue in concentration. After making sure they were all even, she distributed them to the drinkers. The four men eyed each other up the best they could, considering, and then Aragorn gave a shaky Òbottoms upÓ gesture and they all drank.

Lex, being in college and having been in several drinking showdowns herself should have been prepared for what happened. She should have known what happens when machismo overrides good sense. But between finding heretofore fictional characters in the woods and subsequently having her life threatened by them coupled with her own illusions of the mettle of some of the finer specimens of manhood in Middle-earth, her judge of character was a bit off. 

BoromirÕs whole shot didnÕt even make it past his lips before he spat it back out. This unfortunately hit Legolas who began to choke (everclear down your throat is a hard thing to stomach Ð everclear down your windpipe is damn near unbearable) which caused Gimli to laugh forcing his drink out his nose. Gandalf, being an Istar and having Maian foresight, had seated himself on the other side of the room. Lex, however, was not so lucky. She found herself covered in everclear and Goddess only knew what else. She gasped for a few seconds and then É then Lex began to laugh.

This caused a chain reaction much better than the first, if only for the fact that everyone who was laughing happened not to have a mouth full of liquor at the moment. When it finally stopped, Lex went to clean up and wait for the effects of the everclear to hit the men. When she returned, she noted that Boromir was snoring loudly with his head resting on LegolasÕ shoulder. Legolas, though his eyes were open, was clearly in elven dreamland. Aragorn and Gimli, the only two still conscious, were eyeing each other. Aragorn made the first move.

ÒCare for another, friend?Ó he grinned and waved the uncapped bottle of everclear under GimliÕs nose. That was enough for the dwarf. He paled, then turned green. He forgot LexÕs lecture about the porcelain throne and instead made for the door. 

_Good enough_, thought Lex as the dwarf leaned over the porch railing.

ÒI hereby declare Aragorn, Son of Arathorn the winner!Ó she announced. Gandalf was the only one still awake enough to hear her. He just smiled.

Lex decided to call it a night.


	4. The Morning After

_A/N:  I know this chapter was slow in coming (as well as short), but it's term paper time here in __College__Land__.  *grr*  I'm spending more time writing about gothic cathedrals and the psychology of self-injury than I am writing fic.  It pains me much.  But the GOOD thing is that soon the semester will be over and I'll be free to write more fic.  Whee!_

_Standard disclaimer:  Tolkien owns the Fellowship.  I own Lex.  I also own Legolas' towel.  *eg*  But I'll behave and let him keep it as long as he needs it, even if I'd rather not.  Oh yeah, I'm not making any money off of this, either.  I do it for the sheer joy of tormenting the Fellowship and the readers on ff.net._

        Saturday morning dawned bright, clear and perfect.  It was, perhaps, too bright for those who had over-imbibed the night before.  

        "God, what a dream," Lex muttered, massaging her temples.  The gnomes in lead shoes were back in her head.  She stared at the ceiling for a few moments before realizing she was not alone in her room.  She seized the railing of the loft and leaned over the edge to get a look at the futon.  Four hobbits were blissfully snoring away down there.

        "Oh shit."  Lex realized that it had _not been a dream and she hadn't done any of her promised research on getting the Fellowship back to Middle-earth (and consequently out of her apartment), though if Legolas and Aragorn wanted to stay…  Lex groaned.  Aspirin first, thought later.  Cautiously, she climbed down the ladder from the loft and headed for the bathroom, squinting against the sunlight pouring through the windows._

        Lex assumed she was the first one up, so she didn't think twice about not knocking on the bathroom door.  It was the best and worst choice she had ever made.  She opened the door and found herself face to face with a very shocked Legolas, fresh out of the shower, who was wearing nothing but a towel.

        _I have died and gone to heaven, was all she could manage to think.  Lex stood speechless, taking in smooth, pale, skin, taut muscle, bare chest, the smooth curve of his shoulder into his neck, fine jaw line, and countless other wonders.  __Want to touch the elf…  Was all her poor brain could form.  It was too busy memorizing every curve, dimple and scar on the wonderful specimen before her._

        Finally, Legolas spoke.  "Do you not knock in this world?"  He looked at her with a combination of embarrassment, curiosity and amusement.  Lex swallowed hard.

        "Uhm, I didn't mean … uh, yes, I should've… I thought…  Aspirin…  I'll check the other cabinet," she finally managed before retreating to the hall, closing the door behind her and then leaning on it for support.

        Once safely away from the mind-numbing influence of half-naked elf boy, Lex could breathe again.  "Fuck aspirin.  I need a drink."  Maybe there was some rum left.

        Lex sat in the recliner in the living room sullenly nursing the bottle of rum.  _Why couldn't I have said something intelligent__ to him instead of gibbering like an idiot?  How many times had she practiced the "smooth seductress" scene in her head?  When her chance had come though, she had blown it like a compulsive gambler who's just gotten his paycheck.  __Stupid stupid stupid, she berated herself, punctuating this with another swig of rum._

        Aragorn and Gimli were still passed out on the floor.  Boromir was snoozing in the other chair, and Gandalf was laying on the couch, his legs sticking out over the arm and his hat firmly over his face.  Legolas had yet to come out of the bathroom.  Lex wondered if she could ever look him in the face again.

        It was then that Lex heard the bathroom door creak open and the sound of footsteps in the hall.  She was torn between her primal desire to stare and her polite instinct to not watch.  In the end, staring won out.

        Legolas emerged fully clothed and fixed Lex with a stare of his own.  

        "Uhhmm…"  _Dammit girl!  Smooth, be smooth!  "I'm sorry about what happened.  I didn't think anyone else would be up.  I usually knock.  I hope I haven't offended you."  Lex was rapidly losing herself in those beautiful blue eyes until Legolas looked away from her gaze and shrugged.  _

        "It happens," was all he said.

        _I hope it happens again, Lex thought.  But what she said was, "Can I get you some breakfast?"_


	5. Angst and Archery

_A/N:  Another chapter.  Sorry this is slow.  I'm plowing through writers' block at the mo, as well as trying to birth another totally different fic.  I've been a little distracted.  I've been in a really dark mood lately, so this chapter has more angst than humor.  Sorry about that.  :\_

_Nods and cheers to Miss Cam for her assistance and general company while writing this._

_Standard disclaimer – I own Lex and her aspirin.  Tolkien owns the Fellowship.  I'm just babysitting them for a little bit.  I'm making no money off of this endeavor.  Sue me and you get a big fat nothing.  So there.  :p_

        Lex had a hard time keeping the hobbits out from under her feet as she began cooking breakfast.  Apparently there's something about the smell of food that draws hobbits like flies to flypaper.  After swatting Merry with her spatula for the millionth time, Gandalf finally appeared and shepherded them off, promising to teach them a mysterious game called "Egyptian Rat Screw" which Lex had taught him the previous night.

        The smells had also awoken the remaining three drunks in the living room.  Lex could hear the moans.  She suppressed a smile and stuck her head out of the kitchen to peer into the living room.

        "Good morning!" she whispered cheerfully.  Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli winced in unison.  Lex came prepared.  She pulled a bottle of aspirin out of her pocket and handed around tablets to the sufferers.

        "What are these?" asked Boromir, looking at the tablets distrustfully.

        Aragorn held one up and sniffed it.  Then he licked it experimentally.  His face contorted in disgust.  "Lady Lex, what are these foul things?"

        "They're called aspirin.  You're supposed to swallow them with water.  They'll help.  Trust me."  

        "Trust you!" Gimli snorted.  "That's how we got into this mess!"

        Lex didn't reply; she just handed a large glass of water to each of them.  The men looked at her distrustfully but swallowed the aspirin anyway.

        "Where's Legolas?" Gimli asked after swallowing his aspirin.

        "He went out," Lex said, taking back the glass Aragorn handed her.

        "Out?  Lex, is it safe for him to wander around in such unfamiliar and unknown lands?"

        "He's an elf.  I can't keep him inside all day," Lex shrugged.

        "He was pining for the fjords!" Pippin exclaimed.  The hobbits collapsed into giggles.

        "Didn't I tell you not to use the TV?"  Lex sighed.  _Well, at least it was Monty Python and not Rob's porn collection.  "He went out early this morning.  I suspect he'll be back soon.  Besides, it's a Saturday morning in a college town.  Everyone will still be in sleeping off their hangovers.  Speaking of hangovers, the best way to cure yours – aside from aspirin that is – is food."  The hobbits jumped up.  "Humans, dwarves and wizards first, thank you," Lex said.  The hobbits looked dejected.  "There are no second breakfasts or elevensies in this house.  Any food that's left after you eat you'll have to budget out for yourselves.  I have work to do."  Lex grabbed a plate and squeezed out of the kitchen, rubbing a little too close to Aragorn for his comfort.  "Sorry.  Narrow door," she blushed and made a hasty retreat for her room._

        "Gandalf?" she paused next to him.

        "Yes, my dear?"

        "Could you … keep them busy for a while?  Watch TV, read them a book, something.  You could even take them in the back yard for some swordplay or something.  I think that would be all right.  People will just think they're from the SCA."  Lex noted Gandalf's look of puzzlement.  "Never mind.  Just keep them occupied and out of trouble."

        "Of course, Lex.  Any time or trouble I can spare you on a hunt for a solution to our … predicament will be effort well spent," Gandalf bowed his head slightly.

        "Thank you," said Lex, feeling genuinely thankful.

        "Dammit dammit dammit!"  Lex dropped the book she had been thumbing through unceremoniously on the floor.  Neither the text of "The Lord of the Rings" nor its appendices held any clue as to the accidental trans-dimensional teleportation of middle-earth characters.  She rubbed her temples in frustration as she stood up from the futon.

        The sky outside was clear blue.  Lex looked at it longingly.  She grasped the windowsill and stared into the back yard.  Aragorn and Boromir were instructing the hobbits in the proper use of swords while Gandalf looked on.  Legolas had been missing for several hours and was not back yet.

        "Lady Lex?"

        Lex nearly jumped out of her skin as Legolas descended the tree in front of her window.

        "May I come in?" he asked, dangling gracefully from the truck.

        "Jesus Christ!  You scared the shit outta me!"

        "Who is this Christ you speak of?  A friend of yours?  I am certainly not he!"

        "Never mind," she sighed, sliding the screen up.  Legolas leapt nimbly to the sill and slid inside.  "You know, most people use the door," she added bluntly as she latched the screen back into place.

        "I apologize if I frightened you, but I felt it would attract less attention."

        "Oh you did, did you?"  Lex looked the elf up and down.  He stood quite close to Jeff's height, so it had been no problem for Lex to borrow a pair of jeans and a t-shirt for the elf.  Legolas, for his part, had unbraided his hair and allowed it to cover his ears on Lex's insistence.

        "These clothes…  They chafe.  And they do not offer much protection."  Legolas picked at the thin cotton of the shirt.

        "We don't need protection as such in our everyday lives.  We are … quite safe.  Usually."

        "Usually?"

        Lex sat down on the futon and stared pensively at the floor.

        "Lady Lex, have I offended you?"

        "No, Legolas.  I just … well…"  Lex thought of Drew's friend Sarah, shot in a drive by a year ago.  She thought of all the women assaulted and raped on campus in the course of a year.  She thought of the violence perpetrated by countries against innocent people in the name of vague concepts like democracy and capitalism.  Lex heard the futon creak as Legolas sat next to her and put a comforting had on her shoulder.

        "I have caused you pain," he said sorrowfully.

        "No.  No, not you.  All the other selfish, macho fuckwads on the earth."  

        Legolas looked confused.

        "I know something of the war you're fighting in middle-earth," Lex began at last.  "I know of the horrors, the tortures inflicted, the lives lost.  Our pain on this earth is much the same, I think.  For different reasons though.  We too have wars.  Our people have been at war for many centuries.  We've made a gruesome art of it, really.  Instead of battles where you can see your enemy, we have things called bombs that can destroy something as small as a building or as large as a city from half a world away, just at the press of a button.  We have guns, we have poisons…  But worst of all, we have people insidious enough and cowardly enough to use them to further their own ends.  I don't think I need to tell a warrior like yourself how much it pains me to think of all the innocent people who have died while those in power or those who simply wish for it go on spilling blood as if it were water into a river.  This earth has seen too much blood shed, I think.  In my short lifetime, I have already seen too much.  Perhaps not face to face, but I feel the pain just as keenly.  Here," Lex felt around under the futon and came up with a dog-eared Time magazine.  "These were once the mightiest towers in my country.  They symbolized the greatness of America to many people.  Thousands worked there -- people with homes and families."  She turned some pages.  "This is an airplane; a great silver bird inside of which people can ride.  Much like my car, but many times bigger.  On September 11th, four of these airplanes were hijacked.  Two were flown into these towers, killing thousands of people.  Another hit an important government building.  The final one … Well, the people on that plane gave their lives to stop the hijackers from taking more.  That plane crashed into an empty field."  Lex flipped pages as she talked.  

        "But… but why?  Were you at war with these people?"

        Lex smiled in a sad sort of way.  "You know, I don't know.  Officially, no.  But our government has been trying for years to force our way of governing on these people.  Our government provoked them really.  They began to see all Americans as selfish, greedy capitalists who think only of themselves with no regard for anything other than money and power.  And so, they retaliated.  To them, one American is the same as another.  Killing innocent people never crossed their minds.  We were all tainted to them," Lex paused and took a shuddering breath.  "You probably don't understand a thing I've said."

        "I understand war.  And I understand the loss of innocents.  Above all, Lady Lex, I understand the pain and fear in your voice.  You are brave to remain."

        "Where would I go were I to leave?  Violence covers this world.  Nowhere is safe.  You just have to ignore it and go forward as best you can.  I…  Oh, fuck."  Lex stood up abruptly.  "I'm sorry, I never meant to drag you into this.  You should go outside and see how the hobbits are fairing."  Lex couldn't look at Legolas.

        "As you wish, Lady Lex."  She heard the futon creak again.  "But," he continued, his voice darkening, "I will remember what you said and learn from it.  I still believe you are brave to remain here.  I think I could learn much from you."  An odd silence hung in the air.  Legolas started for the window.

        "Legolas?"

        "Yes, Lady Lex?"

        "Use the door please."

        "As you wish."

        Lex's hands shook so badly she could barely type.  _Fuck fuck__ FUCK!  What the hell was I thinking, telling him all that shit?  A stiff drink and a few cigarettes later she was finally calm enough to resume her search.  She had barely begun when she heard her name called from the yard.  __Shit on a pixie.  Now what?  Lex headed for the door without even bothering to check the out window.  She pounded down the porch steps and stuck her head cautiously around the corner of the house._

        "Lex!  Can you really shoot as well as Legolas?" Frodo asked.

        "I … uh … what gave you that idea?"  Lex stammered.

        "Last night when you were drinking you bet Legolas a bottle of good wine that you could out-shoot him in archery!"

        "I … I did?"  She looked desperately around at the Fellowship.  They were all smiling in an amused, 'you're in deep shit now,' sort of way.

        "You did," said Legolas, striding across the yard to her, holding out his bow.  "And as a matter of courtesy I will allow you the first shot, M'lady."

        "Oh, no I couldn't!  I mean, your bow is … what I mean to say is the one's I've used are different.  I couldn't possibly…"

        "A bet is a bet, Lady Lex.  Now please, show us your skills."  Lex swore she could _hear Legolas smirk._

        Someone had found the straw man left over from Halloween and hung him from the gutter in the garage.  Lex approached tentatively.

        "How far back are we standing?" she asked nervously.  Legolas picked up a stick as he walked to where Lex was standing, eyed the straw man, and placed the stick about thirty feel from the target.

        "Behind this line should be sufficient."

        "Fine, fine," said Lex as she tried to select an arrow from the quiver Legolas had held out to her.  She made a big show of checking the fletching, weighting and straightness of all the arrows.  But as they were elven arrows the craftsmanship on all was excellent.  Really, she was just stalling.  Finally, after if became obvious everyone _knew she was stalling Lex selected an arrow and knocked it on the string.  She took a few deep breaths and tried to still her pounding heart.  __Sight, draw, wait for the pause between heartbeats and release.  Don't think too much about it or you'll blow it.  Convinced she could at least get a shot off without injuring anyone in the vicinity, Lex took a final breath, aimed, drew, paused, shut her eyes and released._

        _*whip THOCK!*_

        _Thock__!  It went thock!  I hit something!  Lex peeked out through one eye.  The arrow quivered in the groin of the poor straw man.  Lex finally exhaled and handed the bow back to an amused-looking Legolas._

        "Draws nice," was all she said.

        "Indeed.  A good shot, to be sure.  After seeing that, I do not think I will question the archery skills of the lady.  To do so seems to involve … pain."  Legolas looked at Lex and suppressed a smile.  Lex didn't bother with the suppression thing.  She smiled a smile of triumph and relief.  

        "Now, if you don't mind, I have research to get back to," said Lex, grinning from ear to ear as she made her way back to the house.  As soon as she had turned the corner, she could hear the Fellowship burst into laughter.

_A/N:  Thanks to Monty Python for making me laugh despite a hellish week, and cheers to Jay and Acacia of PPC for reminding me of the wonder that is "Egyptian Rat Screw."  Again, sorry for all the angst and stuff.  It's been a long week, what with studying and papers and stuff.  Sorry about all the Legolas lusting, too.  I can normally spread my lust equally, but … well, you're just gonna have to forgive me.  And PPCers, if you decide to go after this fic I really won't blame you.  Give me a heads up so I can laugh right along with you.  Cheers to my reviewers, as always.  You guys are my bread and butter._

_Until next time, peace out.___


	6. Dinner and an Idea

_A/N:  Riiiiight.  Less angst this chapter.  Swear.  More hobbits, too (as per reader request).  ;)  I'm going for a small change of POV this chapter.  Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off without mangling the Fellowship TOO badly.  If I do, let me know and I'll do a little editing._

_Disclaimer:  I own Lex.  Tolkien and his estate own the Fellowship.  I am making no money on all this.  If you sue me all you'll get is this headache I have.  :p_

As soon as Lex had disappeared around the corner, the Fellowship had burst into laughter.  

"Legolas, really!  That was a cruel thing to do to our hostess!"  Sam tried to sound reproachful, but simply couldn't through all his laughter.

"Cruel perhaps, Master Samwise…  But I had to test her mettle."  _And try to help her forget, Legolas amended in his mind._

"Did you see where she shot?" Pippin managed to gasp.  "'Tis a good thing Legolas did not assume she would miss and stand in himself!"  This only caused Merry to laugh harder until he finally collapsed on the grass.  Legolas didn't seem to be quite as amused by this thought and went to retrieve his arrow.

Even Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf had smiles playing around the corners of their mouths, suggesting that even in this predicament the situation had some levity.

Frodo had begun poking around the backyard while the rest of the Fellowship collected themselves.  On top of an overturned bathtub, he discovered a small metal box with metal legs.  It appeared to be full of coal.  He poked it cautiously with a stick.  When that approach yielded nothing, he called over Sam.

"What do you suppose it is, Sam?"

"Well Master Frodo…  It looks a bit like my portable stove.  But I haven't a clue how one would go about lighting it."  Sam picked up his own stick and poked the odd contraption.

"Stove?  Has it got any food on it?"  Pippin popped up behind Frodo.

"Indeed!  We barely had enough food for second breakfast.  Nearly lunch and we didn't even have elevensies!"  Merry wandered over, ostensibly attracted by the word "food," and stood next to Pippin.

"Lex?"  Frodo clambered on top of the upturned tub and peered into Lex's window.

"Yes?" came Lex's voice, sounding a bit strained.

"Erm…  We… that is it say, Sam, Merry, Pippin and I have a question."

"No, I will _not swordfight with Aragorn," Lex said tersely._

Frodo looked over his shoulder at his companions, slightly perplexed.

"No, you see, we found something out here and we think it might be related to food," Frodo tried to explain.

"Don't eat the berries off the front bushes.  They're poisonous," Lex said, sounding like she was only half-listening.  A strange clicking was emanating from Lex's room, but because of the window screen Frodo couldn't lean in far enough to see what it was.

"Could you just come take a look?  'Tis right outside here," Frodo said hopefully.

The clicking stopped and Frodo could hear Lex's chair creak as she got up followed by her footsteps as she crossed the floor.  "What?"  Lex asked, exasperated.  Her face appeared at the window quite suddenly, startling Frodo so badly he nearly fell off of the bathtub.  Luckily Sam caught him by the belt and steadied him.

"That," said Frodo, pointing sheepishly.

Lex followed the direction his finger was pointing.  "It's a hibachi," she sighed.  Her explanation was met with blank looks.  "A grill.  A small, portable stove that burns charcoal covered in lighter fluid."  Finally, understanding flashed across four small faces.

"So, can we light it then?" asked Pippin.  It was clear to Lex he was thinking with his stomach.

"Absolutely not," said Lex and turned.

"We are not children you know!" Sam piped up.  "I am a perfectly skillful cook and I think I can manage to light a fire without burning anything down!"

Lex considered this.  They had been adventuring in Middle-earth for quite some time and Sam's words were true.

"All right.  If you can light it we'll grill some chicken and roast marshmallows for dessert.  Can I go back to work now?" Lex asked mock seriously.

"Thank you, Lex!" chorused four voices.  Lex returned to her research, smiling.

        "How do you suppose it works?" Merry asked.  It was obvious the thought of food was making him anxious.

        "Well, she said charcoal…  I suppose that is what those little black rocks are.  Now, lighter fluid, that I have never heard of," Sam said, regarding the grill as though it were a puzzle to be solved.

        "What about this, then?"  Pippin handed Sam a small plastic bottle with brightly colored flames on it.

        "I cannot read this writing, but," Sam shook the bottle experimentally "it sounds like liquid."

        "Don't be a fool, Samwise Gamgee!  What would the old Gaffer say if he saw you trying to light a fire by pouring liquid all over your fuel?"  Merry inquired.

        "Lex said lighter fluid.  This is fluid.  And by the picture on the bottle, it appears to be linked to fire – or at least lighting things.  Lex is a perplexing lady, but I doubt she would lie."  With that, Sam poured the remaining contents of the bottle onto the charcoal.

        "Now what?  Does it just start by itself?"  Merry seemed to be enjoying his position as disher-out of sauce.  Sam was not impressed.

        "Idiot.  You need a spark or something."  Sam dug through his pockets and produced a tinder and flint.  "Stand back," he said.  The hobbits stepped back.  Sam stepped back as far as he could while keeping his arms (and the flint) over the grill.  He turned his head away, closed his eyes, and struck.  After that, things seemed to go in slow motion.

        Frodo (when questioned later) remembered seeing the sparks fall from Sam's flint and onto the soaked charcoal.  He was very doubtful it would work.  For a second, nothing had happened and Frodo was about to start laughing.  At that instant, Sam opened his eyes and leaned in for a closer look at the grill.  In the same instant, a fireball larger than anything Gandalf had produced in his lifetime shot up out of the grill with a loud *whoosh*.

        Sam let out a yell that was probably heard back in Middle-earth.  Lex ran to the window and looked out only to see Sam lying on the ground and the tree outside her window on fire.  _Oh no… was all she could think.  Lex raced outside and cleared the hobbits away from Sam.  The rest of the Fellowship gathered nearby._

        "Sam, Sam let me see."  Lex gently lifted Sam's hands off of his face and braced herself for what she might see.  She appraised the hobbit's face for a minute and then began to giggle.

        "Am I that odd-looking now?" howled Sam miserably.

        "What's wrong with him?" asked Frodo as he peeked over Lex's shoulder.  "Oh," said Frodo.  "Oh my."  A smile crept up to his lips.  Merry and Pippin were smiling as well.  "Cheer up Sam!  I'm sure Rosie will still love you anyway!"  Frodo broke into a laugh.

        "What?  What is it?  Am I permanently disfigured?  What?"

        "No, no I wouldn't say permanently," Aragorn smirked.

        "_Will someone please tell me what's wrong with me?" Sam yelled.  Lex swallowed her giggles momentarily.  _

        "You've burnt your eyebrows off, Sam!"  She giggled again in spite of herself.  Even Legolas and Gandalf were smiling.

        "I haven't melted my face off?" Sam asked in awe.

        "No, not by a long shot.  Though you have covered it in soot.  I suggest you wash up.  I think I'll be cooking dinner," Lex spared a glance at the side of the house and at the tree, which was now only smoldering.  "_You three, on the other hand," Lex glared at the three remaining hobbits.  "You will be scrubbing that scorch mark off the side of my house before my landlord sees it."_

        Lex turned her back on the chorus of groans and went inside to start dinner.

        As amusing as it was to watch the hobbits try to scale a two-story house and scrub it down, Lex soon called them to dinner.  Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir volunteered do the rest.  They feared the hobbits might hurt themselves if they fell from that height – which one of them inevitably would.  Gimli made it abundantly clear he would keep his feet firmly on the ground, thank you.

        For the moment however, the ten busied themselves with devouring dinner, which consisted of barbecued chicken, pasta salad and potato chips.  The chicken and pasta salad were well received.  The potato chips were a little harder to explain.

        "So you are saying you've taken perfectly good potatoes, sliced them up, deep fried them and then covered them in salt?" Sam asked.  

        Lex nodded.  "They're good.  Try one."

        Legolas took an experimental nibble and made a face.  "These taste as though they have been soaked in salt water!" he grumbled.

        "I think they are quite good," exclaimed Merry.

        "Indeed!  If you care not for them Legolas, pass the bag here!" seconded Pippin.  

        Lex smiled and passed Aragorn a can of soda.  "Try this," she smiled.

        Aragorn stared at the tab appraisingly.  After a moment, he took out a dagger and stabbed the top of the can.  Lex covered her mouth to stifle the giggles as the contents of the can shot upward, spraying all over a very surprised Aragorn.  He tossed the can away as though it were a snake.

        "I meant _taste it, not murder it," Lex passed him another can after opening the pop top herself.  Aragorn sipped the liquid experimentally and then sneezed as the bubbles tickled his nose._

        "Strange fare you have here," he muttered and passed the can to Boromir.  All of the Fellowship took a turn tasting the sticky-sweet soda.  In the end, Lex was surprised that Legolas and Gandalf enjoyed it.  Legolas maintained it was as sweet and refreshing as the water of Lorien, while Gandalf simply enjoyed the strange tickling sensation of the bubbles.

        As night fell and the sun sank over the neighboring houses, Lex produced a bag of marshmallows and handed them around.  Gesturing for them to watch, she spitted hers on a stick and held it over the fire until it was toasted brown all over and then downed it with obvious delight.  The rest of the Fellowship followed suit and was presently surprised.

        "This is a campfire tradition among us," she explained.  "We toast marshmallows and tell tales of deeds done, or sometimes scary stories.  We also sing songs and sometimes if the spirit moves us we bring out instruments and play music and dance."

        "Why?  Why in this place where you have houses full of wonders?" asked Frodo.

        "Well…" Lex thought.  "We don't usually do this when we're near our houses.  But people – some people – have a longing to escape these cities we build for ourselves.  We journey into the wilderness with nothing but what we can carry on us and we camp in the middle of nature.  Like our ancestors, and much like your people, we feel the need to come together.  To light fires against the darkness, to tell stories, to draw together against what to us is perceived as frightening and unknown – drawing together against the darkness," Lex toasted another marshmallow as she spoke and paused to pop it in her mouth.  "Such was the way of generations before us, as I think perhaps your way is now.  It is instinct when in strange places to try to draw close you whatever companions you may have as a defense against the wild."

        "I would never have believed that people who live lives such as you would feel a need to journey into the wilds.  Your people are somewhat of an enigma to me, Lex," mused Legolas.

        "Indeed," added Aragorn.  "Perhaps you have a bit of Dunedain blood in you."

        "I doubt it," Lex said, but the firelight caught the glint in her eyes as she smiled, just a wee bit flattered.

        "If we had such fine places as this, we should never journey far afield, right Pip?"

        "Right!  We would sit at home all day and watch that telly-vision and order food and become fat, lazy old hobbits!"  The two laughed in unison and Lex smiled, more visibly this time.

        "I've lived twenty one years like this – not long by any reckoning.  But I still feel the urge to get out, to move.  You'd grow tired of it someday and wish to move on as well," _Much as I do now, Lex thought glumly.  She poked at the fire disconsolately with her stick for a moment before standing and stretching.  __I shouldn't… she thought.  __But I will._

        "Would you guys like to go out tonight?  We could hit the bars, I could show you around.  I don't know if you're interested, but I can't keep you all cooped up here.  I feel bad."

        "No offense my Lady, but I highly doubt we are prepared for such an occasion.  And barring that, I feel that the people here would find us quite, well, odd," spoke Gandalf.

        "It's not much different than a rowdy inn in your world.  As for people finding you odd, well, they'll all be drunk.  At the worst they'd think of you as an hallucination.  But…" she tapped a finger on her chin, "I think it would be best if we made you a bit less conspicuous anyway," she said thoughtfully.  "Who's in?"

        The nine exchanged some sidelong glances at each other before each raised his hand hesitantly.

        "Sweet!  Everyone inside!"  Lex dropped the lid on the grill and stood up to lead the way.

_A/N – Woohoo.  Another week, another chapter.  This story keeps changing direction and feel on me, so you'll just have to bear with it.  Feedback welcome, as always._


	7. Note to Readers

Readers:

This story was begun over a year ago for two reasons.

One – for me to get comfortable writing Tolkien's characters as well as for me to familiarize myself with the workings of ff.net

Two – to help a very lonely, forsaken young woman to escape the torments of her real life and spend some time with friends who would never betray or leave her.

In this respect, this story was and is a Mary-Sue.  I struggled very hard with the Sue-ness of it when deciding whether or not I should continue the tale.

I never considered Lex a PPC-worthy Sue.  It was never my intent to take Tolkien's creations OOC and bend them to my will.  Rather, it was to situate them in a familiar world where I could write them, study them and come to understand them on my own terms, in my own head.  Did I succeed?  I don't know.

I doubt that I ever will.  You see, the need for this story has passed.  And it's not a strong enough story to stand on its own without my need to support it.

So what happens now?  Well, not a lot, sadly (for some of you).  There will be no new chapters forthcoming.  The story will stay as it, posted on ff.net as a testament to where I began as a writer.

Following this note is the final chapter of College Daze.  It was written at the same time as the final chapter.  It is as complete as it will ever be.

So I thank you for your reviews and e-mails.  I read them all and they entered into my thoughts when deciding what to do with this story.

Don't ask me what's next for I don't know.  But I thank you for coming with me this far.

Regards,

--Cenire


	8. Daze End

          "I know what it is," Lex said grimly.

          "You do?  Does this mean you can get us back to Middle-earth?" Aragorn asked.

          Lex chewed her lip in thought for a moment before speaking.  "In theory."

          "So… what is it?" asked Frodo.

          Lex stared at those big blue eyes from a moment, some internal debate raging inside her.  Finally, she spoke.  "It's called a plot hole.  See, in this universe, you guys are characters in a book, and people like to write stories about your adventures in Middle-earth.  But sometimes people like to change the main plotline of the story, put in new characters, and generally muck the canon to all hell.  The results are plot holes.  I didn't think they were a physical phenomenon, but since you're here…  I guess I have to believe."

          "So how do you propose to get us back?" Gandalf quirked an eyebrow at Lex.

          "I have to make a plot hole -- one big enough to get you all through.  And I need to do it from the same location I found you in."

          "And how exactly does one craft a plot hole?" Legolas spoke.

          "Very bad writing," Lex muttered.  "Gather your things.  We need to do this.  I'm worried you may have already lingered here too long."

          The Fellowship dispersed to gather their belongings, but Legolas remained, staring at Lex as she sat perched on the couch, her head in her hands.  

          "What troubles you?  You have solved our problem and are now to be rid of us.  Why are you in such distress?"  He made no move towards her, only stood and cocked his head slightly to one side.

          "You'd laugh," was all Lex muttered.

          "If I swore not to?"

          "I still wouldn't tell you."

          "Well, that business is yours alone, Lady."  Legolas turned to go.

          "Wait," Lex sighed.

          "Yes?"

          "I don't want you to leave me here alone.  You collectively," she added hastily.  "I've never even been to your world and I feel more a part of it than I've ever felt in this one.  I'm having this massive moral dilemma about what to do.  I think I can make the plot hole big enough to get myself through.  But what implications would that have in Middle-earth?  I don't want to just go skipping blithely into this and ignore the chance I could screw things up beyond all belief."  Lex shook her head.  "I don't know.  My heart says one thing and my head another."

          Legolas considered her for a moment.  "It seems to me that if we could come here, there is no good reason why it would not work in reverse.  But again, I am not skilled in the sciences of your world.  And as for what you would do?  I think you would make an excellent elf."

          Lex looked up just fast enough to see Legolas quirk a smile, and then he was gone.  She sat in thought a moment more, trying to quell the storm that ranged inside her.  Finally, she picked up a pad of paper and a pen and began to write a note to Jeff.

*****

          Lex was sullen the whole way up the mountain.  The Fellowship, sensing her mood, kept their antics to a minimum.  She noticed Legolas trailing his fingers out the window as they sped down the highway, and Gimli was staring murderously at the dashboard clock.  Other than that, silence reigned.

          With a spray of gravel, Lex pulled to a stop in front of the access gate to the fire tower.  She climbed out of the car and waited for the Fellowship to extricate themselves.  She was so distracted that Aragorn had to ask her to open the trunk three times before she heard him.  

          When at last they stood before her, she appraised them well before speaking.  "Give me a half hour.  Wait here.  When I return, we'll do it."  She said no more, but picked up the bag that held the laptop and started up the trail to the fire tower.  

          As she climbed the last of the steps, she took a deep breath and took in the clear day and surrounding mountains.  Their beauty was truly stunning, the hills rippling and rolling around the secret valleys…  But there was nothing here for her any more.  Nothing she wanted.  Lex opened the notebook and began writing one last story.

*****

          The Fellowship waited patiently for Lex's return.

          "What will it be like?" asked Pippin.

          "I don't know about that," replied Sam.

          Aragorn and Boromir were talking in hushed voices with Gandalf.  Gimli was nowhere to be seen.  Legolas had perched himself on the roof of Lex's car, lost deep in thought.

          His ears perked as he heard footsteps coming down from the trail.  Lex appeared, looking sad and not a little scared.  She gathered the Fellowship to her, setting the laptop on the hood of the car.  

          "All I have to do it alter one line, and that should be enough to open the plot hole.  All you have to do it jump through.  I've set it up to drop you back where you came from, but I'm not sure I got it exactly right.  We'll just have to play it by ear.  Ready?"

          "Lex?" asked Aragorn.

          "Hmm?"

          "Thank you.  From all of us.  You have done great deeds in service to us, and for that we are forever in your debt."

          "Would you have done differently in my place?" was all Lex asked.  She took one last look at the strange crew who had rapidly become her friends, and then turned to the laptop.  

          "Get ready," she said.

          _'The company of the Ring shall be Nine,'_ read Lex's text.  Heart pounding, Lex deleted the word 'Nine' and replaced it with 'Ten.'  

          She could almost feel the tearing of the Canon.  No, scratch that.  She _could_ feel it.  And it _hurt.  Lex summoned the rest of her strength to turn around.  The air behind the Fellowship seemed to shimmer and twist and a great wind rushed in to fill some unseen void.  _

          "Go!" Lex screamed, but her voice was lost to the howling wind and the rending of space.  She saw the Fellowship fade into the plot hole.  Lex swore she saw some of them wave.  

Now, to close that little bastard.  Lex's finger hung poised over the delete key, ready to change 'Ten' back to 'Nine'.  But…  Lex's mind was made up, finally concurring with what her heart had told her from the beginning.  Fighting against the plot hole, Lex struggled to the car and opened the door, setting the laptop on the seat and leaving the car key under the floor mat.  She tapped one last command into the computer, closed and locked the door, and ran for the plot hole.

*****

          Birds chirped.  Lex wasn't sure at first if they were in her head or in the air around her.  Cautiously, she pried an eye open.  

          Majestic blue sky, large, puffy clouds and light.  Lots and lots of light.

          "Ow," said Lex definitively.

          "Hush, she wakes."

          That's not English, thought Lex.  But I understand it.

          "Where am I?" she asked.  No, that wasn't English either.

          "We aren't far from Rivendell.  And we are joined by a tenth, I see,"  Lex rolled her head to one side and espied Gandalf picking leaves from his robes.

          Tentatively she sat up.  Nothing seemed broken and the initial dizziness was passing.  Lex took the opportunity to count.  Yes, all nine members of the Fellowship.  

          "Pardon me.  I … need a moment to take it all in."  Lex stood shakily and walked a few steps from the group.  Middle-earth.  She had made it to Middle-earth and closed the plot hole behind her.  But now what?

          "I'm not prepared for this," she whispered, wondering if she had made a fatal mistake.  

          "You are as prepared as any who adventure strikes."  She heard Aragorn's voice from behind her.

          "You're more prepared than we were!" said Sam.

          "Am I?" she said without turning around.

          _You are,_ said a voice in her head.  But not hers.  Lex could feel her eyes widen.  This was not part of the crafting of the Plot Hole.  

          _Legolas__?!___

          _I thought you might be able to hear me.  It is good.  It means you are attuned to nature, and thus to Middle-earth.  It is a helpful and not entirely unexpected gift for you to have._****

Lex felt herself begin to hope, just a bit.

          "I cannot join you, you realize," she said as she slowly turned.

          "You could go back to the Shire!  You could tell them we're fine and that you're to stay on our hospitality until we return," Sam suggested.

          "I thank you, Master Gamgee, and perhaps I will carry your message to the shire.  But to sit in the Shire now that I have come here…  No, I need to do more."  Lex looked to Aragorn.  "Where might I find the rangers?"

          He looked surprised.  "You would join them?"

          "Aye.  If they would have me."

          "Well, you have shown yourself to be resourceful and not without wisdom, determination and strength.  They may at that.  You true test, however, will be to find them.  We are many days walk from even the furthest outpost.  I will tell you how to go, and tell you what you need to know to enter among them.  After that, it will fall to you."

          Lex nodded.  "I understand.  And I accept your gracious offer."

*****

          Directions were given.  Lex was provisioned by Sam, enough for a few days.  Goodbyes were said.  Promises for reunions were made, but Lex doubted she would see the Nine again.

          As she set out, Lex wondered if she could survive here, in an unknown wild.  She gave herself fair odds.  This, she felt, was what she was meant to do.  Carrying her memories of the Nine close at heart, she headed north.


End file.
